I thought I would start a discussion about the issue of "Questions" from total strangers (and sometimes family!) regarding adoption. I have only been out with Taryn once in the USA and that was in the Chicago Airport! But, in the 3 hour layover we had, we were literally approached by at least 5 people that I can remember! All total strangers...all very "curious"...and ALL of them asked "So, how much did it cost?" I always thought I WOULDN'T be annoyed with this...but, and maybe it was because I was very tired and jet lagged, (and obviously still am!) it seemed a bit odd to me! I mean, we don't EVER ask someone how much it costs when they give birth! We just assume that some amount of money was paid...and go on about our lives. So, with adoption, I would just assume that it "cost's alot"! Seriously, most people who know ANYTHING about adoption know that it cost's alot of money to do so! In the end we just told them "25 grand"...but, I couldn't help feeling slightly annoyed that it wasn't any ones business! Steve isn't as "skeptical" as I am and just felt like people were being "curious" and "didn't know it was rude..." And, he is probably right! But, what about the other questions? Ones like "why didn't you stay in the US?" or "is she adopted?" (actually, this one makes me smile...because looking at Steve and myself and then at our China baby...well, it's kind of obvious!) or "You all just wanted a girl..." The latter being the one that makes me the MADDEST of all! This has actually been said A LOT (mostly by family members!) and it is SO NOT TRUE! I feel like that particular question negates my boys! Like they "weren't good enough" so we had to go "get us a girl"...Ooohhh, NOW I am on a soap box people!
And, just curious to know, how do you answer "where is your baby from?" or "are your other children adopted...?" All of this is partially "okay" right now...but, what about when Taryn is older? Old enough to think out the answer herself? Will she not be "from" Kentucky? And will she forever be reminded of "how much she cost"? One last question (and really, that is what I am doing is trying to get feedback on how others have handled/answered these questions in the past!) do I refer to the boys as my "bio" children and Taryn as my "adopted" child...I don't think that sounds correct at all! There has to be a better way to deal with all of this "curiousness" (ignorance is how I am looking at it...but, just trying to be nice!). And, early on a BTDT mom reminded me that how I react to questions is how my daughter will perceive my "feelings" about her...which I thought was a very wise statement. She also said that to handle things "wrongly" or "badly" (out of frustration or anger) will only teach Taryn to do the same thing!
So, all of that being said...I KNOW some of you have dealt with this issue...because 5 people in the span of 3 hours was obviously a small glimpse into what life will be like now! Not to mention, I have to go to Wal-Mart Monday and wanted to be prepared!!!
Thanks for letting me vent...I am now stepping down from the box!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
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I am JUST like you!! I heard a lot of people telling me to basically tell strangers who ask dumb/rude/ignorant questions to bugger off or be rude back, but that's just not me. I have two girls from CHina and the question I hear most often..."Are they REAL sisters?" My favorite answer is "They are now!" When they ask "How much?" questions, you could say, "Oooh, are you interested in adoption, too?" and then hand them a business card from your agency. Good luck with deciding how to handle these situations. I'm not a great wit, so I can never think what to say on the spot! Thankfully, we live in a small rural city and I rarely get questions now...usually it's compliments on how beautiful they are!! Now THOSE are the kind of comments I could hear all day every day!!
ReplyDeleteHow I answer these questions if it is someone I know and if it is a stranger in a store are usually two different things. If it's someone I know and they are just being curious and interested in the process, I'm more willing to give information. As far as the cost of things, I really feel like that isn't anyone's business unless they are asking because they are specifically interested in adopting themselves. I just say there were costs involved in order to process paperwork and travel to bring her home which was all well worth it and I leave it at that. I've never had someone repeat their question again to push me on the cost. If they ask how much I paid for her (I'm a children's pastor and a few of the kids have asked this) I tell them that human beings cannot be purchased and tell them the only money I spent was to do paperwork and travel, etc. I think as adoptive parents of children who obviously look different than us we will always have people asking questions. I think where we go wrong is feeling like we are obligated to answer all the questions. I think each situation is different and with people you can quickly get a sense of whether they are curious, genuinely interested, disapproving, etc. I don't feel like I owe anyone an explination and if the situation arises where I feel comfortable sharing I do so and if I don't I remain vague with my answers. My experience so far has been that most people are very kind and think my daughter is beautiful and are really complimentary. I've had very few rude run ins and I just choose to let those roll and move on. Katelyn's story is hers to tell with those she chooses as she gets older and I always want her to feel like she has the choice to do that or not...how was that for a long answer??
ReplyDeleteI've had this question asked of me, too, by strangers and people I know. It's HIGHLY inappropriate, no matter who asks! If someone I know asks, I say with a smile "Not as much as she's worth - she is priceless!" If it's somebody I don't know (stranger in public), I flat out tell them that is a private matter, and why would they ask something like that in front of my child? How much money do they make? What's their credit score? How much debt do they have? Are they gonna share THAT with me? I THINK NOT!
ReplyDeleteIf it was someone who shared with me (in a quiet tone) that they were interested in international adoption, but didn't know if they could afford it, I would tell them to slip me a business card or email address, and we could discuss at another, more private time.
But in front of my kid - are they kidding me?! As our child gets more older and aware, can you imagine how shocking, how hurtful, such inquiries would be for their little ears to hear?!?!
I have learned to avoid making eye contact with strangers when out running errands with my daughter. I do not have the responsibility to be "The Ambassador of All Things International Adoption" when I spending time with my child in public. It's time for my daughter and I to run our errands, to play, to bond. That time belongs to nobody else, and those conversations take away from it, from our privacy, and from her.
My two cents!
I hate ignorant questions as well. But that's usually what they are -- ignorant, not stupid. The one that gets me the most is "Are they real sisters?" My girls are 6 and 3 (adopted from China). I've started answering YES and I just leave it at that. :)
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